Some of you know that I've been trying to put the writing I did in the first couple of years after Josh's death into book format.
One of the stumbling blocks has been the difficulty of maintaining a sense of balance in life while delving into that material. A solution finally occurred to me, one which only summer weather and daylight savings time could provide. For the past week or so, I've made The Book the first hour's project on most days; then at 7:30 or so I head out for my walk and prayer time. Thus I'm able to complete the transition from the darkness of those first years into the realities of everyday life as I experience it today, and to get on with my life without becoming mired in the past.
This morning, a quiet and stiflingly hot Memorial Day, I switched my plans around a bit, knowing that I needed to get some outdoor garden work in as early as possible. I ended up making a lot of progress with the writing and revising once I had returned to the Great Indoors, and even finished the current draft of the book proposal and sent it off to a couple of friends.
I'm not sure what to make of this Book Project. My life would be a good deal simpler if I were to shelve it for good. And it's certainly no la-de-da contribution to the memoir genre.
But I recall how I nearly inhaled everything that came my way on suicide loss in the first months, how desperate I was for someone to put my anguish into words. And I remember how much I longed to read that someone else was persisting in prayer despite the evident disappearance of God.
My situation verged on the extreme, as it was in a seminary dorm that I would awaken in the morning to the certainty that God had vanished, but I am fairly certain these days that other bereaved parents sense the same breaking news, regardless of where they are waking up or what their days hold.
Perhaps The Book has some value.